Irrational Tendencies

Merriam-Webster defines irrational as (1) not endowed with reason or understanding (2) lacking usual or normal mental clarity or coherence. What separates us from our reason and mental clarity? Is it being under the influence of passion, emotions or chemical substances? And when we feel the urge of irrationality, how can we stop ourselves? 

I have been bottling up a lot of emotions lately, mostly fear and uncertainty. Fear that I am falling short of my potentials and uncertainty about whether or not I have the capacity to conquer my fear. Not sharing these emotions breeds more uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety and restlessness. Yesterday was a particularly bad day. Nothing of note actually happened, but I was starting to feel the little things snowballing into an avalanche. I felt the burden pressing down and I was on the brink of snapping...I can hear the cracks starting to form. It was difficult to think logically. It was dark and drizzling. I was driving. I could not orient myself. I couldn't even pay attention to my GPS. 

Then I felt the deft hands of irrationality caressing my shoulders. In my mind I knew I had the next few days off from work and as if under a spell, I drove to the airport. A small, dark thought crept into my head, "Just get away. You have the time. You have the money. Just break your own rules. Just get away." As I drove towards the main terminal, I can feel my heart pounding with the sense of urgency. I can feel a surge of adrenaline coursing through my veins and seeping into my thoughts. I rolled down my windows to hear the sound of planes taking off and wheels of suitcases rolling across the wet ground. I had everything I would actually need. My ID. My credit cards. My favorite lip gloss. My irrationality. I was good to go. 

I soon found myself stuck behind a shuttle bus. I took numerous deep breaths in order to calm my racing mind. My rationality and my senses returned to me. A honk from the vehicle behind me, signaling me to get moving snapped me out of my trance. I drove straight on and took the exit lane home. This was the closest I had ever come to realizing a major irrational impulse. I have done many little impulsive things before - splurges on clothing, splurges on food and other silly things when I was in love. But never just taking off on a plane and not telling anyone. 

I knew I had to face whatever emotions were plaguing me head on. But not tonight, not when I feel like every cell in my body was buzzing with excitement from how close I was to realizing my irrational thoughts. I took myself to the gyms. Yes, plural. I relinquished my aggression through kick boxing and calmed myself down further with a 4.5 mile run, abdominal work and myofascial release. 

Three hours later, I was too exhausted to even comprehend what was bothering me before. I could only think of a hot shower and embracing the comforts of my bed. 

I reflected on my close call the morning after. Would I really have stepped on an airplane if the shuttle bus didn't buy me time? I will never know for sure. I can't help but think, "Where would I have woken up this morning had I gone through with it?" 

My take away lesson from this experience is to always have a backup plan. I need to mentally prepare for irrationality because I have no doubt that it will come around many times more in this lifetime. I learned to recognize when emotions are bottling up and how to deal with them before too much pressure accumulates. I need to learn to recognize when it's passion and emotions that are dictating my action instead of myself. 

I also can't help but think, wouldn't it be fun if I had been irrational this time? I could have start dealing with my issues in a nice little bed and breakfast on the coast somewhere...

What was the last irrational thing you did? And why?