Top 10 Things I Want In A Man: A List Created at 30,000 Feet

Oh, the beauty of commercial aviation! On a flight out to San Diego, I endured the sound of babies yelping like strangled banshees 2 rows ahead and the sight of a middle-aged newly wed couple making out like hormonally charged teenagers to my right. Between the auditory assault and the vomit-center stimulating visuals, a thought occurred to me: is there a chance of baby or marriage in my future?

This isn't the first time this question came up in the last week. During dinner the other night, a friend asked me, "What do you estimate the percentage of you getting married or having children are?" This question caught me off guard. As I was ruminating over the idea of my future, with my fancy $1 burger in one hand a beer in the other, I kept drawing a blank. I am not one to invest time into things I don't have control over. Things such as falling in love with another sentient being. Falling in love so hard it makes me want to play host to another life for 9 months. After some cerebral stimulation, I answered in the most honest and elegant way I can, "Dude, I have no frickin' clue."

After realizing I had forgotten my headphones and having no desire to reread the Sky Mall (out of fear I might be too interested in the Harry Potter collector items), I decided to address the question about my future.

I am a mere one quarter century old and I am still able to be extremely selective when it comes to men. Yes, I have been told my criteria are borderline ridiculous, but I know what I want and I believe in dreaming big. I am also starting to wonder how my criteria might change with time, when I am a third or half a century old. How might they change when the selection of single men dwindle? Should I start streamlining my checklist now?

I am a self-proclaimed efficient suitcase packer. No matter where I go and no matter for how long, it doesn't take me more than 30 minutes to pack. I know what the essentials are. I know what things can be purchased later on during the trip. So what are the essential qualities of life time partner?

We have all played that game where we buy clothing that don't perfectly fit us because it looks great on the mannequin or because it is on sale. We have told ourselves we will lose the extra weight or have the dress taken in later on and everything will be fine. What percentage of those not-so-perfect-from-the-beginning pieces do we wear all the time? Or are the price tags still on them as they hang in the back of our closets reminding us of the lie we sold ourselves?

I don't settle when it comes to clothing. Why would I settle when it comes to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? There are just essential qualities about a person that you can't wish to develop later on in life. That imperfect piece of clothing will never fit you unless some major drastic changes are made. Do you dare take that gamble? I've rolled dice. I played and lost. Lesson learned.

I made two columns on the back of my plane ticket - one for my current criteria list and one for my streamlined-these-are-the-essentials list:

Current checklist (nothing specific, in no particular order)
1. Physical chemistry
2. Intellectual chemistry
3. Emotional chemistry
4. Be financially secure and savvy
5. Have morals and core values congruent to mine
(i.e. honesty, love for family, respect for others etc.)
6. Live a similar lifestyle (i.e. non-smoker, physically fit)
7. Share interests in similar activities (a man I can take anywhere)
8. Is in love with me
9. Can grow with me
10. Desire to be educated and cultured & is proactive about achieving such desire

Stream-lined list
The exact same as above

I don't believe in settling. Why should I aim lower just because the selection pool narrows decades down the line? I also don't believe that I can cut anything out in my list. Perhaps it will take a really long time to find Mr. Perfect-For-Me, but when and if we do meet, he will be worth the wait. If I don't find him, then I don't. I'd rather be comfortable naked than have to spend my precious time donning something that doesn't fit and doesn't make me feel vivacious (I might also have to look into nudist colonies). I still don't know what the chances are when it comes to me, marriage and a baby carriage. Perhaps the odds are against me? No matter what these unknown statistics are, I plan on sticking to what I know and I what I want.

What are your essential criteria? Do you think they will change with time?

Housewarming Registry: Really?!! What Do You Think?

My new home, sweet home!
(But not for another 2 weeks!) 

I frolicked into my beloved Sur la Table this weekend to pick up an automatic ice cream maker in red. A staff member there remembered me and asked how things were going. I told her that I had just purchased a new home, was in need of many items and that she'll be seeing more of me soon. The lovely staff member then suggested that I create a housewarming registry so that my friends and family can help me purchase the things I needed or wanted.

A very perplexed look crossed my face. Wedding and baby registry? OK. But a housewarming registry? When I think of housewarming presents I think of small plants, bottles of wine or some kind of food. Perhaps we no longer live in the simple good old days. 

As a typical Libra, I mulled over the idea of a housewarming registry as I gleefully perused the rest of Sur la Table. 

Pros:

1. Your friends and family probably want to buy you something and might not know what you need, what you already have, your color scheme, etc. You would be saving them time! 

2. If your friends and family know what you want, you won't end of up with plants you'll end up killing (maybe that's just me) or stuff you don't even want. 

3. Not having to deal with gifts you have no use for that will take up room in your basement/garage. 

4. I might never get married or have a baby. This might be my only chance at a registry! And who doesn't like getting stuff?

Cons:

1. Housewarming parties should be like Thanksgiving - you just show up, eat, drink and be merry.

2. Your friends may feel obligated to get you stuff they didn't think they'd have to get you in the first place. 

3. People with busy lives are taking time out to check out your new home and put up with you bragging about your new digs and talking incessantly about how your floor is hardwood, counters are granite, blah, blah, blah. Do they need to take more time out to bother with your registry?

4. This registry idea just simply sounds foreign. 

What do you think? Housewarming registry- yea or nay? 

Irrational Tendencies

Merriam-Webster defines irrational as (1) not endowed with reason or understanding (2) lacking usual or normal mental clarity or coherence. What separates us from our reason and mental clarity? Is it being under the influence of passion, emotions or chemical substances? And when we feel the urge of irrationality, how can we stop ourselves? 

I have been bottling up a lot of emotions lately, mostly fear and uncertainty. Fear that I am falling short of my potentials and uncertainty about whether or not I have the capacity to conquer my fear. Not sharing these emotions breeds more uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety and restlessness. Yesterday was a particularly bad day. Nothing of note actually happened, but I was starting to feel the little things snowballing into an avalanche. I felt the burden pressing down and I was on the brink of snapping...I can hear the cracks starting to form. It was difficult to think logically. It was dark and drizzling. I was driving. I could not orient myself. I couldn't even pay attention to my GPS. 

Then I felt the deft hands of irrationality caressing my shoulders. In my mind I knew I had the next few days off from work and as if under a spell, I drove to the airport. A small, dark thought crept into my head, "Just get away. You have the time. You have the money. Just break your own rules. Just get away." As I drove towards the main terminal, I can feel my heart pounding with the sense of urgency. I can feel a surge of adrenaline coursing through my veins and seeping into my thoughts. I rolled down my windows to hear the sound of planes taking off and wheels of suitcases rolling across the wet ground. I had everything I would actually need. My ID. My credit cards. My favorite lip gloss. My irrationality. I was good to go. 

I soon found myself stuck behind a shuttle bus. I took numerous deep breaths in order to calm my racing mind. My rationality and my senses returned to me. A honk from the vehicle behind me, signaling me to get moving snapped me out of my trance. I drove straight on and took the exit lane home. This was the closest I had ever come to realizing a major irrational impulse. I have done many little impulsive things before - splurges on clothing, splurges on food and other silly things when I was in love. But never just taking off on a plane and not telling anyone. 

I knew I had to face whatever emotions were plaguing me head on. But not tonight, not when I feel like every cell in my body was buzzing with excitement from how close I was to realizing my irrational thoughts. I took myself to the gyms. Yes, plural. I relinquished my aggression through kick boxing and calmed myself down further with a 4.5 mile run, abdominal work and myofascial release. 

Three hours later, I was too exhausted to even comprehend what was bothering me before. I could only think of a hot shower and embracing the comforts of my bed. 

I reflected on my close call the morning after. Would I really have stepped on an airplane if the shuttle bus didn't buy me time? I will never know for sure. I can't help but think, "Where would I have woken up this morning had I gone through with it?" 

My take away lesson from this experience is to always have a backup plan. I need to mentally prepare for irrationality because I have no doubt that it will come around many times more in this lifetime. I learned to recognize when emotions are bottling up and how to deal with them before too much pressure accumulates. I need to learn to recognize when it's passion and emotions that are dictating my action instead of myself. 

I also can't help but think, wouldn't it be fun if I had been irrational this time? I could have start dealing with my issues in a nice little bed and breakfast on the coast somewhere...

What was the last irrational thing you did? And why? 

Capitalism: A Taste Story

My first order of business after clearing immigration/customs upon returning from Vietnam was to get McDonald's. I wasn't in the mood for McDonald's. I wasn't even hungry. I was yearning for the flavor of America. The taste of capitalistic efficiency, equality, peace of mind and comfort. For around $6, I got all of that and a little more. And yes, when you are tired and jet lagged from 27 hours of travel, these abstract notions were tangible in the warmth of a cheeseburger and a medium order of fries. Who knew that mass produced food can be so enlightening to a foodie like me? There I was, in Terminal 2 of Chicago O'Hare, happy as a clam.

1. Capitalistic efficiency - It took me approximately 100 seconds to get my food after a swift swipe of my debit card. The line was more than 15 people deep with more lining up still. The team of about 11-12 employees behind the counter was working at a frantic speed, cranking out white paper bags of fast food and delivering them with smiles. Time is money and cash registers were cha-chinging with every passing second. This was a far cry from the incompetence I observed while overseas. Lines were long. Workers were unorganized and unfriendly. When you are used to a certain expectation for years, enduring countless repeated inefficiencies was frustrating to say the least. It also got me wondering about the economic growth of Vietnam...but that's a different story.

2. Equality - In America, we like to think everyone deserves to be treated equally. If Barack Obama ordered a cheeseburger from McDonald's, he would get the exact same thing as me or the guy next to me. His order may be served up with a bigger smile, but you get the point. The prices for the food were listed brightly and clearly. You knew exactly how much you're going to pay and exactly what you're going to get. Sounds simple enough, but don't take it for granted. While I was with my friend abroad, we were ripped off many times. He was often being overcharged because he was a white man in a suit on the streets of Hanoi. I was often being overcharged because I was not a local. Sometimes there were no price tags and when there were price tags, you couldn't trust them.

Social Experiment: For some reason Vietnamese people thought I was either Japanese or Korean (I've actually been mistaken for Japanese since I was a child). I decided to walk into a clothing store and pretend I did not speak Vietnamese. I asked for the price of a wool coat in my accent-free English and the saleswomen actually talked amongst themselves, mumbling about how much more to charge me because I was a foreigner. I shook my head in disgust and walked straight out. I was overwhelmed. I felt like I was suffocating from the injustice. I understand this is a poor country and everyone needs to make a buck, but at what cost of morality? Of course, these things happen in America all the time, but not as blatantly and with such disregard.

3. Peace of mind and comfort - I knew the food I ate was safe and that the McDonald's has been inspected by a government official who was not bribed (99% sure). I knew there was some sort of quality control in this place. This was the country of voluntary recalls. Where the desire for safety and quality is driven by capitalism. Money talks and it told me that any scandal over unsafe anything meant less cha-chinging at the cash registers.

It pains me to think about how the things I witnessed and experienced were the product of years of war and civil unrest. I am no expert in history or politics, but maybe the lack of development is due to the constant occupation by so many forces over the past few centuries - from the Chinese, French and Japanese to the Americans. I wish for improvement in my former home country and hope that my experience will be a bit different upon my next trip back. But for now, I am glad to call America my home. I missed the simple things I took for granted. I missed the familiarity of everything. I missed home! I was grateful to come home and more grateful that my parents made the bold decision to move to America 18 years ago. America is not perfect, but it is a country with more basic luxuries than a lot of other places.

Footnote:
Hours later, my stomach didn't feel all that great. I had been eating fairly healthy and a big dose of saturated fat did not do me good. The taste of capitalism may be delicious at times, but it doesn't come without consequence.

The Cat Lady Cometh: A Reflection on Being Alone

Single life has become more comfortable to me, like an old, over-sized sweater with deep sentimental value. I don't even mind going out alone like I did initially. Coffee for one, breakfast for one (although I tend to order for two and never finish any of it. What I can say? I'm a breakfast kinda girl)...museum and Forest Park explorations completely solo. I am relaxing into this time of self reflection and it feels as amazing as slipping your tired body into a steamy bubble bath. I even catch myself smiling when I'm cruising around in the convertible. Nowhere to go. No one to see. Just simply living in the moment. Relishing the sweet and warm kisses from the sun on my cheeks. Taking in the sensation of gentle caresses from the crisp autumn breeze through my hair.

Suddenly, my blissful and lovey-dovey single life honeymoon suffered the harsh frigidness of realism. It felt like a cold bitch slap to the soul. And it stung like hell.

A dear friend joked about how I have the potential of becoming a cat lady in my old age if I keep up this single life. The comment was humorous at first, but it really got me thinking. Cat lady? Me? I can't picture myself as some old disheveled, jilted granny-hoarder with a festive feline following. I do not like clutter, I plan on being fashionable well into my old age and I am still not 100% comfortable with the thought of being in a home full of fur-balls. But really, what will happen to me when I wake up one day weary of being alone? I am more than grateful to have loving family and friends, but a part of me yearns for a significant other.

My motto is, "It's better to be by yourself, than miserable with someone else." I simply do not believe in settling. The friend who teased me about being a future cat lady also asked if I thought my standards were either too high or too unrealistic. After some honest gut checking, my answer is a positive and resounding, "No." I am realistic and practical. None of my "requirements" are outlandish. Of course, I know it's going to be difficult finding that one man who has the qualities I want on paper plus that X-factor that sweeps me off my feet. I am a woman with incredible balance. It's going to take a very special someone to make me fall head over heels. I like to think I love myself enough to know I deserve to have it all.

So, after I took a step back from heavy contemplation and slipped back into my figurative honeymoon and bubble bath, I have learned that I am not afraid of being a "cat lady." I have resolved that it is going to be all or nothing. No settling. No selling myself short. If that day I so dread comes along, that day when I wake up weary of being alone...well, I know exactly where to find an animal shelter.

Maybe I will one day meet my knight in shining Beamer. Maybe I won't...and I'm OK with that. (OK for now, that is. Let's reassess in 5 years when I am 30 and we'll see if this delicate, youthful optimism survives the tides of time and cynicism).




Side Note: Technically, a Beamer/Beemer is a motorcycle by BMW and a Bimmer is a car by BMW. In case I have offend any BMW enthusiasts out there, I do know the difference. I just decided to go with Beamer since not many people realize this difference. If rappers can play around with words for the sake of flow, so can I.

The Soulmate Situation

Thank you, Hollywood 

When people (and by people, I mean mostly women) talk about relationships, they tend to bring up the word “soulmate.” Your soulmate is supposed to be the person with whom you strongly connect on many levels (spiritual, mental, emotional, sexual, etc.). Some argue that there is only one soulmate for each person and others argue that there can be many soulmates.

Before I delve into my opinions on this “soulmate” situation, I would like to take a step back and give some background on where this notion of soulmates may have originated. The ancient Greek playwright Aristophanes presented the mythology of soulmates in Plato’s Symposium.  According to legend, humans once had four arms, four legs and one head with two faces. Since Zeus feared that humans would become too powerful, he sliced them in half with his lightning bolts and fated them to wander the world searching for their other halves for the rest of eternity. He also threatened that if they posed any threats to him in the future, he would split them in half once more and they would hop on only one leg.

I was in a long-term relationship. An extremely loving and supportive one, I might add. It took me a long time, but I somehow mustered up the courage to let it go. Something was obviously missing and at the time, I just didn’t know what.  All I knew was that I needed time. Time to reflect.  Time to devote to myself and only myself.

At first, single life was difficult. I missed all the good things that came with the “relationship package.” But when I discovered the missing puzzle piece, single life became the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. The only thing missing was the ability to fully love myself and be happy independent of someone else.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not an island, entire of myself. A wise friend once told me that the best type of relationship is one in which both partners are already happy by his/herself and don't necessarily need another person in the equation to complete him/her.  When those two people come together, the relationship is a more stable and long-lasting one. No person has to “carry” the other one in anyway. No person has to act as the other one’s crutch or make up for the other one’s short comings.  The two can grow together in a dynamic environment of complete equal partnership.  That’s what I want.

As a kid in biology class, I favored reading about the symbiotic relationships in nature over parasitic or commensalitic ones. Why wouldn’t two organisms want to equally benefit from the relationship as opposed to one benefits and the other harmed or one benefits and other is indifferently affected?

Why do you need someone else to complete you? Don’t you love yourself to know that you are enough? Let’s go back to our little Greek mythology. Maybe the other half we are looking for is just ourselves. Weren’t we after all, just split up from ourselves?

No "You complete me" lines for this girl. I complete me. I am my own soulmate. 

To Hell with “It’s the Thought That Counts”

What my postcard said:
I told the dolphins "Hi!" for you & they said "Hi!" back ;-) I will tell you all about it when I see you.
-Phuong

Personally, I think the phrase “It’s the thought that counts” is equivalent to an admission of failure.  This all dawned on me when I got really irked over my failure to properly send someone a postcard from my trip to Mexico.  I wrote down the correct address and everything, but I neglected to include “United States of America.” Obviously, I am not accustomed to writing my own country’s name on whatever letter or package I send...we just don't do that domestically and it’s something that can easily be forgotten when one is abroad.  I have sent dozens of postcards from my trips around the world (I have even sent some via papal mail) and they have all reached their intended destinations. Why did I fail this time? Perhaps it was due to lack of planning.

From now on, for me, “It’s the thought that counts” is not going to hack it anymore. I am replacing that worthless phrase with “It’s the execution that counts.” To show someone you thought of him/her, you must carry out your objective or else it’s just meaningless. Everyone has good intentions, but we all know where the road paved with good intentions leads.

My New Crush!! And What I Learned From Him

Smitten? Why, yes!!

As a girl who follows the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship), I get the pleasure of watching a plethora of attractive, sweaty, chiseled men in little clothing fighting, wrestling, flexing...ahem! Believe it or not, I did not start watching UFC to gawk at sexy athletes. I started following the sport after seeing a documentary on the training these athletes must endure in order to be best MMA (mixed martial arts) fighter.

Despite years of watching UFC, this is the first time I have developed a major crush on a fighter...and NOT for his prowess in the octagon.

If I we were in grade school and today was Valentine's Day, Georges St. Pierre would get a big fancy, glittery cut-out heart from me. I have to admit, I admire the man! I do not find him attractive because he is currently the undisputed UFC Welterweight Champion or because he is the top pound for pound fighter in his weight class (or because of the rock hard body and handsome face). I am crushing on him because he is gentleman.

UFC 100: GSP defends his belt again Thiago Alves, Las Vegas
I was totally there!!!

GSP, as he is known to fans, is a coach this season of the reality show the Ultimate Fighter. The premise of the show is based on two teams of amateur fighters led by two prominent UFC fighters. The contestants fight it out in the octagon and the last man standing wins a six figure contract with the UFC. As a coach, GSP is patient with his fighters and devotes his time to ensuring that these guys get the most out of their experience on the show. He wants the show to be about the contestants, rather than himself. He is humble when his team wins and is graceful when his team loses. Unlike the opposing coach on the show, GSP does not trash talk, pull pranks or lose his temper when things don't go his way. Even when provoked, my crush stays calm and collected. Instead of resorting to juvenile backlash, he channels his frustration into the training and takes it out in the ring, where it actually counts. Classy! I find all these traits really hot.

After being single for most of 2010, I have had the opportunity to reevaluate what I am attracted to in a man. I have reconfirmed, through my newly developed crush, that I definitely have a higher regard for a man's good values than for his money or looks. It's good looks that initially attract me, but it's wholesome values that keeps me attracted.

What are the top non-physical characteristics about someone that draws you to him or her?


By the way, if you are rich, hot and nice...don't hesitate to contact me :-)

It's the Little Things!

The past 7 days has truly been complicated and draining, but I was fortunate enough to spot the little things that happened along the way that brought me such simple joys:

1. Finding $10 in the coat from last season

2. Waking up thinking I was late for work when I really have another hour to spend in bed

3. Thinking I was going to miss my flight and getting an automated phone call from the airline saying that my flight has been delayed.

4. Sitting on the back of the plane, the flight attendant brings around the tray of snacks, there is one bag of cookies that you really want left over and the person right in front of you opts for the cheesy crackers...score!

5. Hitting all the green lights on Kingshighway (the stretch in front of Barnes') - that feat was just short of a miracle. 

What little things make you happy? Were you able to spot life's little blessings?